From inside my window

From what I see inside my window can make a man go blind. Pain, Heartache, and all of this I keep inside.

This is no regular window to the outside of any ones house.

Nah, this is a window that’s looking inside to me, my soul, my problems, and my stress.

True friends, Seems to be a lack of them. Love, never really had a real pass at me, Karma, Is still and forever will be a bitch, jealousy, still a problem I have yet to work on, and trust, That word is dead like chivalry, who can you trust when everyone wants to be number one.

There is fog in my window, must be from the smoke I blow. There is rain falling on my window pane, it might be the tears or I’m just slowly going insane, there cracks in my window, must be the pride, there are bars blocking people out, I’m neglecting that my grandfather died.

From inside my window you would rather be the one looking in, because on the inside I don’t know where I should start or when the glass frame ends.

The Thief

Stolen…now when you think of the word stolen you think of bad...Horrible…unspeakable things well this thief as I shall call her has swept in to my dorm room at the depth of night. Gray sweat pants purple jacket fuzzy long black hair. This person came in to my room one night looked through all of my belongings and stole something near and dear to my soul. Something, that can’t be replaced, something that only one can have and many would love to grab.  This thief came in to my place of peace and mixed them self in to the gumbo of my life. This thief lay in my bed and played in my emotions under the bed sheets. My Prized Possession is missing, lost but found… Because see I set this up I put my Goods on the line and let all my defenses down and called the attack dogs off to let this person in.  I am the one that sat in the back and watched the robbery take place. I opened the door for her, and showed her the way to the jackpot… she got it.

When she realizes what I have done….she will understand how important my heart is to me...and she can keep it as long as she likes

Bunch of unsober thoughts

So if I die before I wake what would my father say? 40Oz's  mixed with dro & pain let’s see what’s 1st to go away. I was down in the dumps & there just  ain't really much more to say, an intellectual misunderstood can make one’s sanity just to go astray.

& my mind’s never relaxing, there’s perks to being a Queens nigga & they insure satisfaction. I'm only out here to please people that never experienced any action, but t what does it take for me to get people to give me some type of other  reaction.

They say my time is coming but it really doesn't look that way to me; they take a glance at my poems & their first response is that they think it’s deep. Well what else can you give to me, everything I write is me, do I need to dumb it down  so maybe you can futher explain some things to me.

I’m still smoking sour cause I couldn't find no better shit, People want to watch me walk in to a grave, but the thing is I will forever live. I only celebrate when the greats admire me on my penmanship & I often look for acceptance from the people that want to show companionship.

If no one recognizes me it’s cool, but I wish you kind of did & this isn't a poem no more it’s just something to kind of fill you in. I just roll with the punches, I’m gone with this fire hemp my stanzas are so cool they remind me of the breeze of the wind on  October 10th.

Your words don't mean shit when you write poems like an idiot; I started to rhyme a lot but all the things I write are ligament. Always working on my craft & you ask "what the fuck for?" I write this from gut & the pain of my peoples misunderstood belligerence.

They tell me all I need is swag, they tell me I need these Armani suits & Louie slacks, all the Philly niggas say “you got to get in your bag.” But I break a Philly down & contemplate bout what’s in this bag, I inhale the stress & just laughs.

Falling for love isn't something you can take easy; I know I have some angels in my past & they will greet me when they see me, and then maybe we patch it up, things aren't that bad & tough, lose pride and try to just bring it up, The topic of the discussion is still near & dear to me.

I remember when it would be 3 in the morning & I was on the block with some hood niggas, no college degree but they family & that’s why everyone chilled with us. We used to get double cup loopy, just kicking freestyles while the world turns & I would pray to God that everything would be good with us.

Are you good with us? cause I give up sinning, I tell these girls that I’m in love but I’m just pushed to other women, I stay on cloud 5 cause broken hearts are just a given, that’s probably why I speak so negative with such conviction.

An Unordinary 1st impression

Swimming for women I’m devious like a shark..... Hold up; let me stop before I get ahead of myself. I know my wealth & what I'm capable of, I see the fame & the lights, that rape-able love, that love you can't kick off like a drug ,& so what , I don't fall in line like most niggas. I'm not regularly divine like the people that find safe haven with the nine. My mind is in another place, somewhere out in the land of the "Un-ordinary". The farther from people's commentary can keep me out the cemetery. I was told to take advice from the mouth of one man, but that man's dead now so where can this one stand? That’s a good question, I'm just trying to make a great 1st impression, but whatever you think of me is gladly left to your discretion.

My Notebook

She wants a nickel for my thoughts; I gave her a dollar for all my tears and a story of all my pain that I've been through for all of my years. She said she wanted more so I told her all my fears, then I tried to end it with a story full of cheers. It didn't last long so yeah, I kind of froze, it’s like sad situations are the only things a young brother knows.

I took a deep breath because she makes me shy. I really try to hide it but she has the ability to see it in my eyes. I told her I can do her no wrong but I think she feels its all lies. I just hope this love I have will not be the event of my demise …

Worthy

   Sometimes like the sun rises and when it soon falls I awake with thoughts of you and I enter slumber with internal visions of you in my dreams. You're my every waking moment until the moment I rest my eyes upon you. And I think to myself in the sublime moment of truth, are you worth it? I contemplate the situation over and over in my head thinking, wondering; dreaming is this love for me? Or will this be another run around looking for love like it used to be or is this something tangible to my reality? I sit, I wonder, I think is this a good investment of my time? Because when I invest in something like this, I'm in it till the earth stops moving or until I stop moving. I was always a sucker for a woman’s touch but never like this. Your visions in my brain makes me weak. I complain about you in my sleep, but no one hears me. Then I see you again a year later after my decision was made and my friends ask me in the up most honest way “was it worth it?" I answer nine months later "yeah"

Writers Block ( Life's Distractions)

I'm trapped inside of my head, I call it my private purgatory &  there's not enough words for me to try to explain my story. So I take a few pictures to try to capture the moment but every time that happens my mind just gets to floating.

 I start to lose my place & information starts to self erase & all I can do is sit and think about that funny look on my loves face. Like I told a good joke & then took a pull of the smoke then I layed her down in our bed & gave her a couple strokes....

 Back to the topic because I seem  to have been distracted  when you're lost in the worlds translations you tend to forget about all that has happen.

While I'm walking on water in the privacy of my mind I thinking about stealing a millions and giving it all to the blind. I think about the poor & restless while everyone's enjoying their breakfast

Relax

Mistakes are made on a daily with me. & its not due to the fact that i'm slow or stupid, i'm actually far from it, its more due to the fact that I lost my focus on reality. I had this dream & like a fool I tried to put my all into it and lost what my goal was. See that was my mistake I was to excited about me living out my dreams and not even completing my goals... I needed a reality check, someone who would tell me to relax.

Dedicated to the respected teachers from your most loyal student

When I was younger I listened to potential bosses tell their story. I made sure I didn't make their mistakes, then as a man with a brain of my own I decided to take my own well taught lessons & become my own boss. My teachers back then are now veterans in their own worlds. So I think I am taking all the right steps in life.....Thanks

Dam...Sorry for the wait

Yeah I know I been missing for a while I been on vacation, it's family time and all of that good stuff but when school time hits imma be back on it. I'm working on a poetry book... I been working on one since I started writing.... that was like 12 years ago. You'r going to be getting some new stuff to all the people that actually read this blog.

July 12th 2:36 am

Sleepless nights are the least of my problems...Still, the fact that it is a frequent occurrence is a problem. One of my top problems in life is dreams. They haunt me so bad that I fear sleep, How do you stop being in fear of something you can't control? 

I leave that in your thoughts...

Rollercoaster II

... Your cart is still moving forward, your mind is racing trying to gain some sort of understanding of what is going on. You’re witnessing the growth of a king, if that answers your question. Your cart stops, a white screen drops in front of your cart. A projected video comes to view you see the young man on the red bench. There is a young women sitting next to him in a blue sweater with her umbrella in her lap. Her eyes are flowing with tears. These are tears of fear, fear that this young woman's confusion, of her misunderstanding of where her kings true heart lies? “Do you still love her?" She asked not looking at the young man’s face, The young man takes a deep breath " look at me, I do and always will but understand that she is my past and will forever be that. You are my now and god willing is my future. Love is a confusing thing but I found you, & in you there I found a place that I will never want to leave for no one or nothing. I love you with all that I have and nothing, no matter what happens in life, always will." The image starts to fade as the young man holds his love. The cart starts to move forward slowly again, then SHOOOM!! You shoot back off in to the darkness.

There is a belief that in ancient Egypt that the pharaoh was as divine as god himself & that he got all his thoughts, plans & ideas from god. Well there is one king in particular that never really got to know god until he met his queen. People of total opposites are meant to be with one another because they teach each other both sides of the spectrum of thinking.  In this instant it’s a queen teaching a king the power to rule his own world with the powers of religion. Another conversation can be heard from some speakers. “We all have to believe in a higher power." A young woman says. “I know there is but I want to know why things happen to people that don't deserve It.? if there really is a god then why would he sit there and allow tragic events happen in his world. He has all the power right, why not stop it all?" A young man replies. There is a brief moment of silent." Read this." You can hear the young women move and hand an object to the young man. “It’s the bible" the young man replies. “It’s a guide...." The young women say as her voice fades into the darkness. You can see images of the cross light up then as you pass it the light fades. Then you hear an unknown voice say aloud “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres." Your thinking now, what does this mean? I asked the same question myself time & time again until I understood this is the guidelines of god given to a king. Kings show love & this scripture explains what love is.

You’re coming to the end of this ride; you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. But there is one thing I would like for you to understand. This ride may end here for you but it will never end for me... You get to see a glimpse of the thoughts, signs, memories that burst in to my head everyday

The End.... for you anyway

Sorry for the wait

Roller coasters will be continued tonight, had to get my thoughts together...

Beaches

I know you're tired of loving with nobody to love, I am to, I know you're sick of giving your whole heart to an empty space in your bed, I am too. I know you wish you could not have the same identical problems as I do because I hate having them my dam self, believe me when I say love is way overrated. A relationship breaks & grinds people into bits of sand. We, you & I, are nothing but empty beaches waiting for someone to come relax in our glorious location in this world... So trust me, I know you're tired, I know you're lonely. I am 2

The understanding of youth

‎"As a young man, I have liberty, but I do not see it. I have time, but I do not know it. And I have love, but I do not understand it. Many decades will pass before I understand the meaning of all three. But until then I am willing to undergo the test of time to reach great wisdom."

 

Decisions of a man

The rivers run deep in the heart of this young confused soul... This was a story of rags to higher learning, now it’s just  rags to average living. When you know you missed your chance to be a star you kind of lose all hope of ever trying to be more than what you are. You only have the, if only, and what if's in your head. So now when you rest your head to go to bed, you are sent to sleep by the clear recurring voice of what was said.

Your heart slowly drops from chest to hands and you just look at what you have just done to yourself in your “What Have I just done" Stance and think of your first sight of action.  To attack, but we all know that force will not bring your freedom back. So you go on to think about leaving it to another person’s care, but as a man you know that you should always be there. Life comes with a lot of ups and downs twist and turns but from this one big mistake you should always be able to learn. That life never goes how you ever plan, and it is never easy making the harsh and rash decisions of a man

Dichotomy of a man

The combination of a man is a mixture of the things that God placed on this earth. He has to be solid like a rock but at the same time smooth as the wind, he has to be brave like a lion but elusive and cunning like a fox. He has to be intelligent for the nay Sayers and then can dumb it down for his friends for jokes. He has to be soft like a feather around his women but then has to be able to remember her life story and her struggles like an elephant that never forgets, being a man is something that is a privilege as well as a curse. We win some most of the time, but as men we lose a lot more than expected, but as men we ride along with life’s ups and downs, we go from being kings in the playground to being fathers to our younger kings showing them that being a boy is what’s leading them to that grand rite of passage to take on our day to day struggle and make it their everyday grind. God made man and placed him on this earth, man help make boys to continue on the legacy of God’s work.

I wish

I've been meaning to write to you more. Different love letters every night aren’t so bad after the first few months, really it always ends the same, and gives me a little light of hope. In fact- all the writing I do could inspire a movie series that can last for about 19 seasons…These thoughts are not for the gram, vine or for others to see, I write on paper at night, expressing my thoughts, feelings & emotions & It’s not as easy as you’d think to narrow the entire cinema of your emotions into one-five sentences. I never read them the next morning; I actually never read them at all, after I finished writing them, I just threw them away, it’s not like you’re going to be able to receive them anyway. I’ve been meaning to write to you more. Different love letters every night aren’t so bad really it always ends the same…..I wish I never met her at all.

3 Questions ( by the judges of emotion)

What was it like to love her?
Asked Happiness.
I answered : It was like being locked in a room full of great days, happy moments & no fear of the end.

What was it like to be loved in return?
Asked joy.
I answered: It was like watching another person come in to your home and furnish your house or letting that person pick out your cloths for the day. It makes you look good and feel great.

What was it like to lose her?
Asked sorrow.
 I took a minute to answer: ... It's like getting stabbed in the chest with a meat clever, and watching someone slowly pull out your heart  from your chest and watch you bleed and scream.

Pain

Coils of brass spring ideas of my wanting of freedom for you. These coils lay in the up most frontal lobe of my brain making them the most important thoughts on my mind. The “If only’s” that I continue  to say bring me back to pain.
They stop us from catching glimpses of each other. They feel as we are so innocent in love that we only attract the physical parts of our grand situation. They know nothing of the depth this love of ours brings to the pit of this dismal society. This as well brings me pain.
Pain?, The single crowd of the free world will not even grasp this type of sadness my poor little heart cannot show to the public eye … the fact that it’s not allowed in this society to show, shows how much I hurt, from cold empty sides of the bed to dreams of your grace not really being there when I open my eyes brings me…
 Pain.

King & Queen

A king is a man of the people, he is to be selfless and only do for the people he serves. A king does make the rules and does put them in place,but its only to keep his people secure and safe.All these things a king must do to keep his people happy and living a new. But what about a queen? what does she do? she is always here to take care of you. You, The king who looks after them , the people, but who will look after him? You, the queen

Sins of a Father

Now think, if you have all the power in the world, all the followers on this planet, what so hard about stopping the madness that goes on every single day?

 

                Is it that you don't want it to stop? The all seeing all knowing one is what you say you are but truthfully I can't explain who you are because how can I know a man that I have never once seen before? From birth I was the son of a mother, never really had any sisters or brothers, & in the cold crazy streets of Brooklyn how can I be safe in mind with no help of this so called FATHERLY guidelines?

                Father is defined as a male parent or individual of human offspring. Is that the only JOB you have? To produce? If So, SHIIIIT When I came out the womb you could have gave a brother a noose, told me to go pick a tree and just hang around till my weight brakes off a branch and dumps off all the leaves.

                So I believe alright. I believe in not believing that a single man has the power to change the world, because on Aug, 6th of 1991 you were out "producing" some more "offspring" with another man’s baby girl.

 

"All men have the power to change the way the future go's. Strap up, be safe, be smart, because there are no more men bringing up men....It’s more like Boys Trying to raise baby boys in to men, & instead of men we have monsters that are only "following" what their All seeing, All knowing ignorant father has taught them. We do have the power; let’s make a better use of it."

                      -Aaron McMillian-Dash

3:04 july 5th 2013

I'm up....I'm up watching sherlock on netflix. The reason why I'm up is probably one of the greatest mysteries known to man... well let me not say that, I know why i'm up. the question is am I ever going to explain my reason?

 In due time....




Rollercoasters

Let me paint you a vivid picture really fast as you read this work in the safety of your home.

Imagine you're getting on a ride called "A kings tale" & on this ride you take your seat in the cart, you put on your seat belt and the safety harness drops tightly over your head and onto your shoulders. You hear a voice, its faint but you can make out the words “Nothing is true, everything is permitted." then everything goes black, you feel the cart move slowly forward & then BOOM! The cart shoots off into the darkness.

Now the thoughts in your mind are probably something like: “What the hell did I get myself into." or "I want to get off this ride it’s going to fast" or my favorite I wish this would end already. Well these thoughts are ok to have because see I have these thoughts every single day. The rollercoaster of life is a ride we all take daily & it only ends when you end. Back to you though, you're still in complete darkness but you can feel the incline of the cart going up, & you're going faster. Then you hear a conversation taking place in the darkness over some speakers. It's a young man & a young woman. The young man ask the women: “What do you know about chest? The young woman replies “I know that the king is the most important piece." The young man replies “you’re right about that, but, if you really think about it the queen is more as important as or even way more important than the king. I say this because she has a the power to move anywhere she sees fit, she can take any piece she wants & most importantly she is always by the side of her queen to protect him." the young women replies " A king is nothing without his queen huh?" she asks. The male gives a short chuckle & he replies “You're completely right."

The conversation fades back and you're back in to complete darkness, you might be feeling alone, don't worry it is a common feeling felt on this particular ride. See you're not alone, you're never really alone when you have your conscious to keep you company, a constant stream of thoughts that manifest itself into another entity in your mind. & it is so possible that you, if you believe in yourself, that you can have a conversation with your consciousness. The cart comes to a very none expected stop. A light hits the wall to your left. You might notice that you are still on an incline going up; you might want to keep this in mind for later, the light on the wall then turns into a homemade video of a young black male sitting on a red bench under a tree in the rain. He seems to be waiting for something or someone due to the fact that he is looking around a lot. Then you hear a small voice speak: “what could have happened?" The young man's voice from earlier responds “I don't know but she sounds upset about something... Have I done something lately?"  The small voice responds, maybe you're smothering her?" “How could I be? She asked me to come over just as much as I ask her... maybe it’s because of last night's conversation about her telling me she loves me? Did I not answer fast enough? Did I not respond the way she wanted me to, I thought I did respond in a good way I was touched & I felt my heart skip a beat." “Yeah I felt that to, are you really in love with this girl?"

I think I am... I only felt this way before once with C.... here she comes." The light cuts off on the wall & the cart starts to fall backwards. Then again comes to a very harsh stop.  You can hear the young man reading in his head:

“....They are meant to be spoken but two hearts are fearful,

Fear of being away or ever losing you,

What am I to do?

Stuck sitting in this battlefield trying to release these unsure spoken words,

My white flag is up,

I surrender,

And well, here they are – I love you."

Your cart now slowly ascends forward into the darkness, your mind is probably flooded with many questions well they will soon be answered... in due time

Shall be continued